Young People Will Have White Hair
Take off your hand grenade, stay awhile.
Tonight, we’ll play a game of unrequited love.
Who parked their car in the Civil War?
Pull yourself up
by the tangerines.
The eclipse of the moon signifies
the day to get my braces off.
I can see from here
Don’t put the propeller
on the young boy’s back.
Let the legend of William Wallace
fill up your canteen.
I’d break up with anyone
if they visited my house.
How do you babysit?
With one hand on the wheel.
“Fire in the hole,” he said,
opening up a checking account.
Don’t make fat jokes
with a metal detector.
The hurricane caused a benefit concert.
Marty McFly has a lot of experience
as an America’s Sweetheart.
you can illustrate yourself!
With prices this high,
you’re lucky if you can shake it.
Boston is home to the most
cuddles per capita.
Connect the dots to see
who’s most popular.
Forks go on the left
in literary fiction.
To be a relief pitcher,
you must sleep one-handed.
Jeremy Church’s job is to tell
We’re all going to the beach
in my womb.
I order my dog to shiver.
I can count the stars
with a sledgehammer.
It’s a checking account
that earns 10x the donuts.
I was a fabulous opera.
Go clean up the pee.
God created the world
and saw that it was 10% off.
This is the best translation you’ll find
of a parking ticket.
Dear Mr. Zapruder,
Thank you for your donkey pile.
It’s a pleasure doing business on you.
The commute to Boston from here
takes more salt than you’d think.
I say the Pledge
with my hand over the moon.
Can you speak up?
I’m new at the dump.
It’s like putting a square peg into a round girl.
Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Chop Suey.
Don’t try too hard to figure out
my bear trap.
Senior Year’s gonna be the best laser show.
Rimbaud had an extraordinary influence
on the modern slam-dunk contest.
A bird in the hand
equals 3x what the average black American makes.
You can’t say September 11th
without a Class D license.
I prefer Picasso to Van Gogh
in terms of tacos.
Teenagers: give’em an inch,
they take a chalupa.
We’ll connect your cable modem
some time before the next stop sign.
The Postal Service now has stamps
that last all night.
I’ve tired of reason.
Give me death.
I shot an arrow in the air,
and shook it all around
like I just don’t care.
Bill Gates is worth 2 in the bush.
Did you see the film
All Quiet on the Western Sinus Infection?
When I grow up
I want to be first in the alphabet.
The PTO met for 3 hours
to discuss the Heavy-Petting Program.
Look deep into Steve Zultanski’s work,
and you can find your keys.
I’ve worn a seat belt ever since my torture.
We were really steaming up
the windows. TGIF!
My child is an Honor Student
in the Hierarchy of Needs.
Kali bruises easily
between the sheets.
Throw your hands way up in the air
and act locally.
Think globally, act retarded.
On American Idol that night
someone performed the O.J. Trial.
Excuse me, could you suggest a wine
for this stick of butter?
How I Wrote Certain of my Internet Searches.
Could my life be more dinner theater?
If you have an itch, vaccinate it.
West Nile Virus
is the comedy everyone is talking about.
The high school kids
always sit in the back
of the Challenger.
I’ve got a family to make sick.
Today we’re giving Becky a ride to the Kennedy Assassination.
This pen writes 95 with movement.
603 is the area code for the lumbar region.
How long have you been a photographer?
Until my mother gets back from the store.
They take the familiar
and make it college-ruled.
Cloud-Splitting is my euphemism for a BM.